Living On The Fringes

Jesus was a fringe-dweller.  He was an outcast, out-of-the-loop, in some ways.  He also knew what it was like to be misunderstood, to be judged, overlooked, underestimated.  His experiences allowed Him to understand and care about those of us who are fringe-dwellers.  But He had something else - He had His Father's attention, His Father's affection.  He knew Who He was because He knew Who His Father was.  We have that same certainty because of Jesus.  We know Who our Father is, we know we have His attention and affection.  We know who we are because of Who He is.  We can be a fringe-dweller knowing that He is right here with us, right now.  We are never alone.

Saturday I was able to watch a Christmas play live on the web because a local church cared enough to make it available to those of us who find it more than challenging to be a part of large public events.  They noticed the fringe-dwellers.  They noticed me.  It felt so good to be included.  Just once in awhile, it does feel so good.

Suffering in Children

I have some pretty wonderful friends, let me tell you.  God has blessed me with women friends that are godly, loving, compassionate, loyal and faithful.  I have learned so much and shared so much with them through the years.  They truly know God because they love others as He does.  I had the privilege of spending time with several of them yesterday and hearing their hearts.  One friend shared about the struggles of her grandchild, born with severe health issues that have been both a burden and a battle for his whole life.  We have been praying for him and his family since he was born.  While he has amazed doctors with his progress and life, he is not where he wants to be.  We will keep praying for his precious life.  Another dear friend shared her daughter's struggle with cancer that began a dozen years ago.  My dear friend would give her life for her daughter's.  We have been praying for her daughter throughout the process of overcoming.  Everyone is weary with the process, but clinging to the One Who is our Hope, the One Who has promised that all things work together for good, and that our end will be far better than we could ever imagine.  Hoping, praying, believing, hurting alongside of - my dear, wonderful friends.  Their children and grandchildren will never know how very precious they are and how very much they are prayed for.  Our God loves us all like that - we are His children, cherished, longed over, laboring with, always loving, always believing in - that's our Papa!

It has been over a year!

I can't believe that it's been well over a year since I blogged! I keep meaning to, but I also keep telling myself that I don't have anything worth saying that anyone would want to read. We really are our own worst critics, aren't we? So, I've decided to let it all hang out and let the blog take on its own life.

It's been a tough year, frankly. I've had hernia surgery - a triple! Can you believe it? Everything really went fine, but the pain was worse and lastest a LOT LONGER than expected. I have to thank God for His protection and sending me a wonderful surgeon. I'm also wrestling with back and leg issues. The good news is that I have a CPAP machine to help me breathe at night. It works really great! I also was able to secure a new bed, which is helping to deal with lymphedema in my legs and GERD. Thank You Father for Your provision!! There have been so many other blessings as well - friends who have surrounded me with practical help and prayer and encouragement in the hard times. I'm still struggling with heart arrhymias, but am working with a Naturopath to resolve them. Pray for me if you think of me. Thank you!

I've reconnected with my two brothers who live in New Orleans. One is doing really well, but one is not. I worry far too much about the latter, forgetting that God loves him too and is looking out for him. God never asked me to save anyone - He took care of that Himself and is faithful to see us all the way to heaven! Amen!

I'm finally learning to use my phone to text. Since I have an older phone, it takes some time because I don't have a keyboard to spell. Laborious, but interesting! I don't think I'll become addicted to it, but it was fun to play with today.

I am slowly learning to love my family - it took over 57 years to begin the learning, but begun it has! It can take a lifetime to unravel issues and learn to forgive real and imagined offenses, as well as accept that we are all broken in some way or another and we are all doing the best we can. I am so grateful for God's forgiveness and want to be a channel of it to everyone. Little by little He is conforming me to His image!

I hope your Thanksgiving was/is filled with many blessings and true gratitude for all that we have because of Him!

Love

I'm a "johnny-come-lately" for some of the dramatic series that are available on TV, and one of my recent enjoyments is reruns of Grey's Anatomy. If you've not seen the program, it's your typical medical drama that seems to focus more on the personal relationships between the doctors than anything medical going on. Last night was an exception to the rule. One of the vignettes focused on a man and woman, unrelated, one black, male and older, one white, female and younger. The two had been in a train wreck and were impaled on a pole facing each other. Both were conscious and in no pain, amazingly. As the story unfolds, the doctors discover that, of the two, the male has a much better chance of survival. Once the pole is removed, the female will bleed out too quickly to save, and she is more seriously injured.

The two patients begin to interact with each other as the doctors do their assessments. They are in a hugging position in order to keep the pole from shifting and doing more harm. As the doctors tell them the bad news, both of them begin to plead for the other's life, not for their own. The female winds up comforting the man when the reality of the situation is finally accepted. She will die and he will live. Later, just before the man and woman are put under anesthesia, she leaves a message with the head surgeon to relay to her husband when he arrives. She knows that she will be gone before he gets there. The surgeon tells the husband later, "She wanted you to know that, if love were enough, she would be here with you now."

I almost sobbed through the show. I was so touched by the complete selflessness of this woman. Her concerns were for the man attached to her on the pole, and her husband. She expressed no regrets for herself, and pleaded for her fellow victim. She knew this man for minutes and hours, not days, weeks or years. She gave without thinking and thought only for the comfort of her husband and this man in front of her. What an incredible example of the love of God! Selfless love. Self-sacrificing love. Not ooey-gooey emotions - just the rubber hitting the road.

I envy that kind of love. I envy the ability to give so freely - to give all - to sacrifice even though it cost everything. I over-analyze, and worry about consequences. I think too much about the cost. Few of us will ever be called to such a sacrifice as this woman made, or that Jesus made. I'm called to love the people that are in my life and that I encounter every day in my life. I get testy at other drivers and waiting in line, or things just aren't going the way that I want them to go.

Worse, I remember those whom I've failed to love - harsh words, uncaring deeds. My mother is a constant source of regret. She was mentally ill long before I was born. Life was hard growing up, and I focused far too much on how it affected me, and not nearly enough on how it affected her. Mental illness is a terrible burden to carry. There were five of us kids, and I know that she did the best that she could. It wasn't her fault that her love wasn't enough. She died almost 20 years ago, and all I can remember now is how she suffered with the burden she carried. I didn't know much about love then, but I do now. I have been the recipient of much self-sacrificing love. I cannot undo the past or re-write it. However, I am grateful beyond grateful that she is at peace now, and she knows love now too.

My Mother's World

I'm watching a movie I've seen before - maybe you've seen it too - "One True Thing," with Meryl Streep and Renee Zellweger. Renee plays a daughter who comes home to stay with her folks when Meryl comes down with cancer. William Hurt plays Meryl's husband, who seems uninvolved and emotionally immature. In the past, I've been caught up in Hurt's character and his deficiencies, which actually turn out to be different than you're led to expect. It's a very good in-depth character and relational study worth the watch.

This time through I've been more aware of the relationship between the two female leads. Renee plays a character who wants very much to lead a different life than her home-making mother, whom she perceives as having a very small life. However, as the movie develops, you realize that her world is anything but small, especially in the way she loves and cares for her family, and the world around her.

Renee's character says (through narration) at one point, as she interacts with some of her mother's friends at a luncheon, that she didn't want to be a part of her mother's world. Instantly, I heard myself say that I would have LOVED to be a part of my mother's world, and to be included in such a life. Then, just as quickly, I realized that my mother didn't have a world, at least, not one that anyone else could have been a part of. She wasn't part of any world, really. Her mental illness consumed every thought, every moment, every memory, every relationship. Her person and her world were stolen away by a mind that could not interact with anyone in any healthy or life-building way.

I began to also realize, yet again, that some of my hermiting and reclusive ways are a consequence of being on the periphery of her non-world. Her non-world certainly helped to form the person I've become, for better and worse. I could not enter her world, nor really be part of it, thankfully. But, it would have been fun to have a mom who had a world to be a part of and a life worth desiring.

This post is not a lament, but rather an observation. God has made up to me for the deficiencies of my childhood and I am truly blessed with a number of caring and loving women in my life.

As the movie progresses, Renee's character develops a new appreciation for her mom, and new insights into her dad. All in all, I highly recommend the movie.

Knowledge Puffs Up

I love to learn. There is so much to discover, so much to ponder. What I enjoy most is learning to know my Heavenly Father. There is no end to the wealth I find in progressively getting to know Him and His ways better and better.

I've come to understand that He always builds us up, and never tears us down. He never embarrasses us or chides us for not knowing or remembering. He is the essence of patience and is a gentle teacher. There is no "pass/fail" with God - He just keeps working with us until we "get it." He never tells us to study harder because "knowing" isn't about struggling to memorize, as in a list of spelling words. His "knowing" is really a "becoming." He changes the way we think, not just what we think. He teaches by changing us so that we no longer think the way we used to. His yoke truly is easy and His burden light. He yokes together with each one of us - where we go, He goes and where He goes, we go. That gives me comfort.

In contrast, I just recently experienced being on the receiving end of what I would call a "knowledge puffs up" moment. You know that moment, don't you? Someone more well-educated or well-informed than you are demonstrates their intellectual superiority over you. It's even more fun when they do it in front of an audience! Just kidding - it's no fun at all! Before you feel sorry for me, let me say that I have done the very same thing to others. It's true that strength isn't in conquering, it's in serving. I understand a little better what the Apostle Paul meant when he said, "I choose to know nothing among you except Christ crucified." Knowledge puffs up, love builds up. In I Corinthians 13, the scripture says that knowledge will someday cease. So will hope and faith. The only thing left will be love. Amen! Let it be!