A dear friend's dad passed away in October. Another friend lost her mom just this last week. Other friends have shared about their aging parents and the decline that is occurring in them. I realized that I have entered this season of life in which my friends are starting to lose their parents. My heart aches for them and there are no words to comfort someone who has just become, in a very real way, an orphan.
My parents died when I was much younger - my dad when he was 49 and my mom at 67. I never really knew them or had the opportunity to develop a significant attachment to either of them. For the most part, my friends have meaningful relationships with their parents, and I know the loss they are experiencing is profound. I can't take away their pain. I pray and ask how they are doing and offer what little comfort I can. I am still praying . . . .
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Sunday, September 6, 2009
My Mother's World
I'm watching a movie I've seen before - maybe you've seen it too - "One True Thing," with Meryl Streep and Renee Zellweger. Renee plays a daughter who comes home to stay with her folks when Meryl comes down with cancer. William Hurt plays Meryl's husband, who seems uninvolved and emotionally immature. In the past, I've been caught up in Hurt's character and his deficiencies, which actually turn out to be different than you're led to expect. It's a very good in-depth character and relational study worth the watch.
This time through I've been more aware of the relationship between the two female leads. Renee plays a character who wants very much to lead a different life than her home-making mother, whom she perceives as having a very small life. However, as the movie develops, you realize that her world is anything but small, especially in the way she loves and cares for her family, and the world around her.
Renee's character says (through narration) at one point, as she interacts with some of her mother's friends at a luncheon, that she didn't want to be a part of her mother's world. Instantly, I heard myself say that I would have LOVED to be a part of my mother's world, and to be included in such a life. Then, just as quickly, I realized that my mother didn't have a world, at least, not one that anyone else could have been a part of. She wasn't part of any world, really. Her mental illness consumed every thought, every moment, every memory, every relationship. Her person and her world were stolen away by a mind that could not interact with anyone in any healthy or life-building way.
I began to also realize, yet again, that some of my hermiting and reclusive ways are a consequence of being on the periphery of her non-world. Her non-world certainly helped to form the person I've become, for better and worse. I could not enter her world, nor really be part of it, thankfully. But, it would have been fun to have a mom who had a world to be a part of and a life worth desiring.
This post is not a lament, but rather an observation. God has made up to me for the deficiencies of my childhood and I am truly blessed with a number of caring and loving women in my life.
As the movie progresses, Renee's character develops a new appreciation for her mom, and new insights into her dad. All in all, I highly recommend the movie.
This time through I've been more aware of the relationship between the two female leads. Renee plays a character who wants very much to lead a different life than her home-making mother, whom she perceives as having a very small life. However, as the movie develops, you realize that her world is anything but small, especially in the way she loves and cares for her family, and the world around her.
Renee's character says (through narration) at one point, as she interacts with some of her mother's friends at a luncheon, that she didn't want to be a part of her mother's world. Instantly, I heard myself say that I would have LOVED to be a part of my mother's world, and to be included in such a life. Then, just as quickly, I realized that my mother didn't have a world, at least, not one that anyone else could have been a part of. She wasn't part of any world, really. Her mental illness consumed every thought, every moment, every memory, every relationship. Her person and her world were stolen away by a mind that could not interact with anyone in any healthy or life-building way.
I began to also realize, yet again, that some of my hermiting and reclusive ways are a consequence of being on the periphery of her non-world. Her non-world certainly helped to form the person I've become, for better and worse. I could not enter her world, nor really be part of it, thankfully. But, it would have been fun to have a mom who had a world to be a part of and a life worth desiring.
This post is not a lament, but rather an observation. God has made up to me for the deficiencies of my childhood and I am truly blessed with a number of caring and loving women in my life.
As the movie progresses, Renee's character develops a new appreciation for her mom, and new insights into her dad. All in all, I highly recommend the movie.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Preparing To Let Go
I mentioned in an earlier post that one of my friends is moving to North Carolina. While it's not immediate, it is soon. We talk on the phone about the complex process of detangling yourself from your existing life in order to plant your roots in a new life. On some level, it's just a matter of details, the logistics of packing up and transporting your home goods, calling utilities, notifying friends and family, etc.
On a far deeper level, however, it's a leaving home, leaving familiarity, leaving family and friends. While I'm listening to and trying to support my friend, I hear the beginnings of detachment in her voice, the rationalization that everyone is just a phone call away. "It's no big deal," I hear, "people can come and visit," and "I'll be back to visit on a regular basis." My friend has never lived anywhere else and doesn't really understand that the ones she leaves behind are becoming a part of her past, and not a part of her future day-to-day life. She doesn't realize yet, that the relationships left behind will begin to change. Some may disappear all together, and the ones that remain will be purged of ongoing shared experiences.
I have also begun to realize what her move means to me. She is leaving me behind. I have to accept that, in some real way, I will be a part of her past. Yes, we will talk on the phone, and she will probably visit at least once a year or so. It won't be the same. I won't be able to see her when I want or make plans to be together. She will make new friends, as she should. She will have a new life and become a part of her new community of support. In a sense, I am detangling too. I'm preparing to let go. In my mind, she will become a long-distance friend. It will just happen naturally, subtly, finally.
Ultimately, I'm happy for my friend. She is so thrilled to be moving to a new place, somewhere with warmer winters and a job for her husband. And, I do know that she will be fine, and so will I. Changes really are just a part of life and God can be trusted with them. Over time we will both adjust and the new normal will feel just like the current normal. I think I'll have to get a webcam!
On a far deeper level, however, it's a leaving home, leaving familiarity, leaving family and friends. While I'm listening to and trying to support my friend, I hear the beginnings of detachment in her voice, the rationalization that everyone is just a phone call away. "It's no big deal," I hear, "people can come and visit," and "I'll be back to visit on a regular basis." My friend has never lived anywhere else and doesn't really understand that the ones she leaves behind are becoming a part of her past, and not a part of her future day-to-day life. She doesn't realize yet, that the relationships left behind will begin to change. Some may disappear all together, and the ones that remain will be purged of ongoing shared experiences.
I have also begun to realize what her move means to me. She is leaving me behind. I have to accept that, in some real way, I will be a part of her past. Yes, we will talk on the phone, and she will probably visit at least once a year or so. It won't be the same. I won't be able to see her when I want or make plans to be together. She will make new friends, as she should. She will have a new life and become a part of her new community of support. In a sense, I am detangling too. I'm preparing to let go. In my mind, she will become a long-distance friend. It will just happen naturally, subtly, finally.
Ultimately, I'm happy for my friend. She is so thrilled to be moving to a new place, somewhere with warmer winters and a job for her husband. And, I do know that she will be fine, and so will I. Changes really are just a part of life and God can be trusted with them. Over time we will both adjust and the new normal will feel just like the current normal. I think I'll have to get a webcam!
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