Living On The Fringes

Jesus was a fringe-dweller.  He was an outcast, out-of-the-loop, in some ways.  He also knew what it was like to be misunderstood, to be judged, overlooked, underestimated.  His experiences allowed Him to understand and care about those of us who are fringe-dwellers.  But He had something else - He had His Father's attention, His Father's affection.  He knew Who He was because He knew Who His Father was.  We have that same certainty because of Jesus.  We know Who our Father is, we know we have His attention and affection.  We know who we are because of Who He is.  We can be a fringe-dweller knowing that He is right here with us, right now.  We are never alone.

Saturday I was able to watch a Christmas play live on the web because a local church cared enough to make it available to those of us who find it more than challenging to be a part of large public events.  They noticed the fringe-dwellers.  They noticed me.  It felt so good to be included.  Just once in awhile, it does feel so good.

Awake In The Middle Of The Night

Here I am, awake in the middle of the night.  Since my late 30's I've had trouble sleeping through the night.  Most of the time I just toss and turn until, hopefully, I go back to sleep.  Not tonight however.  I needed to get up and focus my thinking.  I did have all of those blog posts from fellow bloggers I hadn't read yet, so off I went to dig through them for the gold nuggets of wisdom I knew I'd find.  There are so many gifted writers who have mad communication skills.  Someday, I hope to be one of them, but, for now I'm still finding my way.  The ones I enjoy the most are those that draw out my heart - unveil my innermost thoughts and longings, or even discouragements.  The best, and hardest, to read are those from writers with disabilities.  In spite of, and in the midst of their suffering, they lift up Jesus Christ and boast in their confidence in Him.  They are so transparent about their pain and challenges, and in almost the same breath, remind their readers to look to God for comfort, for peace, for hope.  It's easy to rejoice when you are not in pain, not physically limited, but try it when your head is splitting, or every joint and/or muscle is aching and nothing helps.  They are awake a lot in the middle of the night, too.  So, right now I pray for my friends, for peace, for comfort, for relief from pain, for right functioning of their bodies.  And with them, I thank God for His grace and mercy and soon-coming.

Suffering in Children

I have some pretty wonderful friends, let me tell you.  God has blessed me with women friends that are godly, loving, compassionate, loyal and faithful.  I have learned so much and shared so much with them through the years.  They truly know God because they love others as He does.  I had the privilege of spending time with several of them yesterday and hearing their hearts.  One friend shared about the struggles of her grandchild, born with severe health issues that have been both a burden and a battle for his whole life.  We have been praying for him and his family since he was born.  While he has amazed doctors with his progress and life, he is not where he wants to be.  We will keep praying for his precious life.  Another dear friend shared her daughter's struggle with cancer that began a dozen years ago.  My dear friend would give her life for her daughter's.  We have been praying for her daughter throughout the process of overcoming.  Everyone is weary with the process, but clinging to the One Who is our Hope, the One Who has promised that all things work together for good, and that our end will be far better than we could ever imagine.  Hoping, praying, believing, hurting alongside of - my dear, wonderful friends.  Their children and grandchildren will never know how very precious they are and how very much they are prayed for.  Our God loves us all like that - we are His children, cherished, longed over, laboring with, always loving, always believing in - that's our Papa!

Perservering on December 1st

December 1st.  It is turning out to be a beautiful and sunny day.  I love the sunshine - it makes everything so much better!  It reminds me that God is fully in charge and everything is going to be fine.  I have a friend who once told me, "It will be fine in the end.  If it's not fine, then it's not the end."  Good, huh?  With God, everything will be fine in the end - that's what He tells us in Jeremiah 29.  When gray days seem endless and life seems difficult, it's good to remember the truth that everything will eventually be fine.  None of us is exempt from suffering, no matter what form it takes.  The bad stuff is only temporary.  The good stuff - the stuff that happens in the end - is always and only good!  Yay, God!!

Love

I'm a "johnny-come-lately" for some of the dramatic series that are available on TV, and one of my recent enjoyments is reruns of Grey's Anatomy. If you've not seen the program, it's your typical medical drama that seems to focus more on the personal relationships between the doctors than anything medical going on. Last night was an exception to the rule. One of the vignettes focused on a man and woman, unrelated, one black, male and older, one white, female and younger. The two had been in a train wreck and were impaled on a pole facing each other. Both were conscious and in no pain, amazingly. As the story unfolds, the doctors discover that, of the two, the male has a much better chance of survival. Once the pole is removed, the female will bleed out too quickly to save, and she is more seriously injured.

The two patients begin to interact with each other as the doctors do their assessments. They are in a hugging position in order to keep the pole from shifting and doing more harm. As the doctors tell them the bad news, both of them begin to plead for the other's life, not for their own. The female winds up comforting the man when the reality of the situation is finally accepted. She will die and he will live. Later, just before the man and woman are put under anesthesia, she leaves a message with the head surgeon to relay to her husband when he arrives. She knows that she will be gone before he gets there. The surgeon tells the husband later, "She wanted you to know that, if love were enough, she would be here with you now."

I almost sobbed through the show. I was so touched by the complete selflessness of this woman. Her concerns were for the man attached to her on the pole, and her husband. She expressed no regrets for herself, and pleaded for her fellow victim. She knew this man for minutes and hours, not days, weeks or years. She gave without thinking and thought only for the comfort of her husband and this man in front of her. What an incredible example of the love of God! Selfless love. Self-sacrificing love. Not ooey-gooey emotions - just the rubber hitting the road.

I envy that kind of love. I envy the ability to give so freely - to give all - to sacrifice even though it cost everything. I over-analyze, and worry about consequences. I think too much about the cost. Few of us will ever be called to such a sacrifice as this woman made, or that Jesus made. I'm called to love the people that are in my life and that I encounter every day in my life. I get testy at other drivers and waiting in line, or things just aren't going the way that I want them to go.

Worse, I remember those whom I've failed to love - harsh words, uncaring deeds. My mother is a constant source of regret. She was mentally ill long before I was born. Life was hard growing up, and I focused far too much on how it affected me, and not nearly enough on how it affected her. Mental illness is a terrible burden to carry. There were five of us kids, and I know that she did the best that she could. It wasn't her fault that her love wasn't enough. She died almost 20 years ago, and all I can remember now is how she suffered with the burden she carried. I didn't know much about love then, but I do now. I have been the recipient of much self-sacrificing love. I cannot undo the past or re-write it. However, I am grateful beyond grateful that she is at peace now, and she knows love now too.

Losing a Parent

A dear friend's dad passed away in October. Another friend lost her mom just this last week. Other friends have shared about their aging parents and the decline that is occurring in them. I realized that I have entered this season of life in which my friends are starting to lose their parents. My heart aches for them and there are no words to comfort someone who has just become, in a very real way, an orphan.

My parents died when I was much younger - my dad when he was 49 and my mom at 67. I never really knew them or had the opportunity to develop a significant attachment to either of them. For the most part, my friends have meaningful relationships with their parents, and I know the loss they are experiencing is profound. I can't take away their pain. I pray and ask how they are doing and offer what little comfort I can. I am still praying . . . .

Meaning

I'm currently a fan of Facebook, as many are. It's a great way to keep connected with so many with very little effort. It's also a great way to post prayer requests. Just the other day the daughter of a friend asked those who know him to continue to pray for her father, Kurt. We all used to go to church together and have since blown about like seeds in the wind to be planted in other fields. I remember Kurt's tender and gracious heart. He drew people to God through loving them and teaching about God's marvelous grace.

Kurt has struggled for some time with Crohn's and was just recently in the hospital in critical condition. He is now recovering at home and is struggling with an issue that many do who have chronic life-impacting conditions. What is the purpose of my life now? Why am I here? What am I do do now?

Anyone who has struggled with chronic illness or another life-restricting condition knows just what I I'm talking about. There are no easy answers for any of us. In the world, and yes, even the church, productivity is always the answer, so finding your way is not easy.

I have another friend stuck in a wheelchair with MS, with extremely limited use of her body. We talk about these things fairly regularly.

Finding the purpose of our lives is very personal and must be embraced by all alike, healthy or not, limited or not. I've done much soul-searching, and more God-searching, over the last few years. Sometimes I despair of a satisfying answer. Other times, I remember that my life belongs to a loving and merciful God Who has a purpose for all things, even suffering. Even lack of "productivity."

So, here it is: I've come to believe that all things, good or evil, enjoyable or not, fulfill God's plan in some way I may not understand. I don't always understand what God is doing, but I can always trust His purpose and intent toward me and toward us all. His thoughts toward us are always good and He promises that our end is good. If I look at life's circumstances for my life's meaning, I will always be standing on shifting sand. I choose, and encourage you to choose, to stand on the Rock Who will never let us falter or fail. One day all things will be restored. In the meantime, we can trust Him to lead us and guide us and to make sense of our lives. Amen!!

My Mother's World

I'm watching a movie I've seen before - maybe you've seen it too - "One True Thing," with Meryl Streep and Renee Zellweger. Renee plays a daughter who comes home to stay with her folks when Meryl comes down with cancer. William Hurt plays Meryl's husband, who seems uninvolved and emotionally immature. In the past, I've been caught up in Hurt's character and his deficiencies, which actually turn out to be different than you're led to expect. It's a very good in-depth character and relational study worth the watch.

This time through I've been more aware of the relationship between the two female leads. Renee plays a character who wants very much to lead a different life than her home-making mother, whom she perceives as having a very small life. However, as the movie develops, you realize that her world is anything but small, especially in the way she loves and cares for her family, and the world around her.

Renee's character says (through narration) at one point, as she interacts with some of her mother's friends at a luncheon, that she didn't want to be a part of her mother's world. Instantly, I heard myself say that I would have LOVED to be a part of my mother's world, and to be included in such a life. Then, just as quickly, I realized that my mother didn't have a world, at least, not one that anyone else could have been a part of. She wasn't part of any world, really. Her mental illness consumed every thought, every moment, every memory, every relationship. Her person and her world were stolen away by a mind that could not interact with anyone in any healthy or life-building way.

I began to also realize, yet again, that some of my hermiting and reclusive ways are a consequence of being on the periphery of her non-world. Her non-world certainly helped to form the person I've become, for better and worse. I could not enter her world, nor really be part of it, thankfully. But, it would have been fun to have a mom who had a world to be a part of and a life worth desiring.

This post is not a lament, but rather an observation. God has made up to me for the deficiencies of my childhood and I am truly blessed with a number of caring and loving women in my life.

As the movie progresses, Renee's character develops a new appreciation for her mom, and new insights into her dad. All in all, I highly recommend the movie.

Contentment

I have a friend who is given to profound one-liners on occasion. About once a month we catch up by phone, updating one another and sharing our challenges. Somewhere in the conversation he will inevitably say, "What will it matter in a hundred years?" We both wind up laughing and I say, "Not even a hundred!" It puts things into perspective for both of us, and we realize the the concerns that occupy us today won't even be a memory in the not-to-distant future.

He has another one-liner that always brings peace to me. If you're like me at all, I frequently bemoan that I'm not "further along" than I am. I "should" myself to distraction. Then my friend gently reminds me, "At any given moment, you are right where you're supposed to be." I let that sink in and I feel the "shoulds" fall away and contentment seeps in. This simple statement acknowledges that God really is in control, and there is nothing outside of His oversight. It recognizes that my life is safely in His hands and that He truly does work the ALL things together for good, especially the "all things" that make me squirm. It lifts the responsibility to perfectly navigate my life on my own.

I've thought about contentment quite a bit, but what is it really? The Apostle Paul said that he had learned to be content in whatever condition he was in. I know that he faced some pretty difficult circumstances with beatings and imprisonments and persecutions. My circumstances aren't nearly as dramatic, but I need to find contentment in my "whatevers." Contentment doesn't mean that you enjoy your circumstances, or that you don't try to change them if you can. Contentment, in my view, is trusting God with your life, clinging to Him no matter what comes, knowing that He will work all things out for your good and His glory. Simple to say, not so simple to do. Some days I do better than others. I remind myself that progress requires the passage of time, and usually far more than I think it should! The bottom line is that all of my "whatevers" make complete sense in the light of His governance. Thank You Papa!!

So, for today, I will be content, trusting Him, depending upon Him and surrendering to the "whatever" that happens today.

Is God Better Than I Think He Is?

Is it possible to believe God to be better than He actually is? Someone once posed this question. Immediately I said, "No!" That is the right answer, isn't it? But, what does that mean, really? I guess the answer would also have to entail a description of what is meant by "better." If I want a new car and God doesn't provide it, does it mean that I'm believing God to be better than He actually is? We can imagine all sorts of things we want God to do for us, the ones we love and the world at large. So, on that level, I would have to answer "Yes!" I feel guilty just thinking that, but if I filter God's goodness according to my desires, I can find many examples where my expectations fall very short of reality.

God's goodness supersedes our human understanding and is not limited to or defined by our circumstances. We define good and evil by how we feel about a particular event. We define suffering as evil. Does God? People suffer and travail in this life. Tragedies happen. Everyone dies eventually, whether they live long or short lives. We can't have a clear understanding of God if we only look at our circumstances. God's goodness takes the long view. Suffering, in some way we don't understand, is part of the process God uses to develop our character and to enable us to trust His character. It separates us from the unimportant distractions and pushes us to seek God for relief and understanding. We are never more close to God than when we are suffering, I believe. Paul talked about our sufferings filling up the sufferings of Christ - yet another mystery. Perhaps he meant that God suffers with us in whatever our suffering is.

We can be confident that our suffering is never wasted, no more than was Christ's. The good news is that He will ultimately heal, redeem and reresurect. LIFE is eternal, not suffering.

The Problem of Suffering

I keep coming back to this topic, far more than I would like. My back and hips are aching like crazy. Only prayer, time and the chiropractor can help right now. One question that always comes up when I'm in pain - how much is this is my fault, and how much is just the human condition? Why does that matter, really? Will it mitigate the pain by knowing? Will it help in anyway? If I determine that somehow my suffering is my fault, will that cause me to be at peace about it? Am I just trying to be in control, when God is the only One in control?

I think of other friends who are suffering, far worse than me - or maybe, just differently than me. Only God knows. Only He can heal us and restore us. I cry out to Him for all of us, whatever our source of pain, for relief and restoration. If you are suffering right now, just know that somehow this fits into His plan for you, and one day, He will heal you. God bless you, my friend!