I just stumbled across my blog as I was reading a post on another blog.  Wow!  It has been some time since I was here.  As I reread my previous posts, I was taken back to the time, circumstances, and insights I experienced.  I also realized that blogging is both a challenge and a gift.  It requires openness and transparency and objectivity that we don't always want to engage.  Revealing my heart to myself can be a greater challenge than revealing it to anyone else.  My understanding of Who God Is and who we are because of Him has changed and expanded over and over again.  My sudden "insights" have stretched me, confronted me, challenged me and released me from my prison of manufactured religion (of my own making).  We humans are tribal in nature and tend to gravitate to those who think and believe the way that we do, and then we convince ourselves that our tribe has the corner on God, how to worship Him, know Him, and follow Him.  One day I suddenly "realized" that God is NOT tribal - isn't that amazing!!!  We live and move and have our being IN HIM - all of us!  

     I would like to be able to say that I have arrived, but I know better than that now.  We are never in a place of stasis.  Even when we are not aware of it, we are constantly changing, evolving, growing, stretching.  The "truth" we are so strident about today may be the one that someday down the line, we are shaking our heads and wondering how we could have ever believed that!  I am grateful to our Heavenly Father that He never leaves us alone, never lets us stagnate, never lets us rest in our incompleteness.  That restlessness I feel inside is evidence that I still have a distance to go to reach the shores of Home.  When we see Him we shall be like Him, and His promise is that He will complete the work that He began in us.  Every day we are one step closer!!

Visiting Again

May 17, 2016:  Updating life.  I just re-read my last post from 2011.  I can't believe that it's been 5 years.  The journey continues.  Still trusting God to lead me home.  I have learned how fragile I am and how strong and faithful He is.  I am returning to the church, to make peace with the past, peace with what was and what was not.  I just read a column by Rachel Held Evans regarding Christians who have left the church behind and the need to return and embrace the truth that the very ones who have hurt us are also the ones who are the key to our healing.  Forgiveness involves recognizing our own humanity and embracing the humanity of us all.  Allowing each of us to be imperfect, understanding that our perfection exists in Christ and not in ourselves, allows us to extend grace and mercy and compassion and acceptance to our fellow believers, and to all of humanity.  So, I am going back, to immerse myself, heart, soul and spirit into the glorious and often imperfect life of the church.  

Living On The Fringes

Jesus was a fringe-dweller.  He was an outcast, out-of-the-loop, in some ways.  He also knew what it was like to be misunderstood, to be judged, overlooked, underestimated.  His experiences allowed Him to understand and care about those of us who are fringe-dwellers.  But He had something else - He had His Father's attention, His Father's affection.  He knew Who He was because He knew Who His Father was.  We have that same certainty because of Jesus.  We know Who our Father is, we know we have His attention and affection.  We know who we are because of Who He is.  We can be a fringe-dweller knowing that He is right here with us, right now.  We are never alone.

Saturday I was able to watch a Christmas play live on the web because a local church cared enough to make it available to those of us who find it more than challenging to be a part of large public events.  They noticed the fringe-dwellers.  They noticed me.  It felt so good to be included.  Just once in awhile, it does feel so good.

Awake In The Middle Of The Night

Here I am, awake in the middle of the night.  Since my late 30's I've had trouble sleeping through the night.  Most of the time I just toss and turn until, hopefully, I go back to sleep.  Not tonight however.  I needed to get up and focus my thinking.  I did have all of those blog posts from fellow bloggers I hadn't read yet, so off I went to dig through them for the gold nuggets of wisdom I knew I'd find.  There are so many gifted writers who have mad communication skills.  Someday, I hope to be one of them, but, for now I'm still finding my way.  The ones I enjoy the most are those that draw out my heart - unveil my innermost thoughts and longings, or even discouragements.  The best, and hardest, to read are those from writers with disabilities.  In spite of, and in the midst of their suffering, they lift up Jesus Christ and boast in their confidence in Him.  They are so transparent about their pain and challenges, and in almost the same breath, remind their readers to look to God for comfort, for peace, for hope.  It's easy to rejoice when you are not in pain, not physically limited, but try it when your head is splitting, or every joint and/or muscle is aching and nothing helps.  They are awake a lot in the middle of the night, too.  So, right now I pray for my friends, for peace, for comfort, for relief from pain, for right functioning of their bodies.  And with them, I thank God for His grace and mercy and soon-coming.

Waterfalls

I love waterfalls!  You probably do too.  There is something so incredibly soothing in the myriad of sounds that causes me to be at peace.  I can feel my shoulder muscles let go of the tension that I'm not even aware they're holding onto.  Even my mind lets go of its tumbling thoughts, racing to and fro.  As though listening to an orchestra, I begin to focus on individual sounds, as though they were instruments, each playing their own part.  It isn't long before I feel refreshed and relieved and restored.  Waterfalls are like mini vacations!

Suffering in Children

I have some pretty wonderful friends, let me tell you.  God has blessed me with women friends that are godly, loving, compassionate, loyal and faithful.  I have learned so much and shared so much with them through the years.  They truly know God because they love others as He does.  I had the privilege of spending time with several of them yesterday and hearing their hearts.  One friend shared about the struggles of her grandchild, born with severe health issues that have been both a burden and a battle for his whole life.  We have been praying for him and his family since he was born.  While he has amazed doctors with his progress and life, he is not where he wants to be.  We will keep praying for his precious life.  Another dear friend shared her daughter's struggle with cancer that began a dozen years ago.  My dear friend would give her life for her daughter's.  We have been praying for her daughter throughout the process of overcoming.  Everyone is weary with the process, but clinging to the One Who is our Hope, the One Who has promised that all things work together for good, and that our end will be far better than we could ever imagine.  Hoping, praying, believing, hurting alongside of - my dear, wonderful friends.  Their children and grandchildren will never know how very precious they are and how very much they are prayed for.  Our God loves us all like that - we are His children, cherished, longed over, laboring with, always loving, always believing in - that's our Papa!

Sister Blog

I started another blog, or rather, revamped another blog that I started a couple of years ago with a friend that was intended to be a social, political and cultural commentary of the state of affairs in America.  I created a few posts, but then let it go, and my friend never did post anything.  Sooooo . . . short story long, I just changed it over to a solo blog called Mindful Considerations.  I like the name and it does reflect what I hope the content will be.  We'll see!   You know what they say about the best laid plans. . . .  Here's the link!

http://mindfulconsiderations.wordpress.com/

Perservering on December 1st

December 1st.  It is turning out to be a beautiful and sunny day.  I love the sunshine - it makes everything so much better!  It reminds me that God is fully in charge and everything is going to be fine.  I have a friend who once told me, "It will be fine in the end.  If it's not fine, then it's not the end."  Good, huh?  With God, everything will be fine in the end - that's what He tells us in Jeremiah 29.  When gray days seem endless and life seems difficult, it's good to remember the truth that everything will eventually be fine.  None of us is exempt from suffering, no matter what form it takes.  The bad stuff is only temporary.  The good stuff - the stuff that happens in the end - is always and only good!  Yay, God!!

It has been over a year!

I can't believe that it's been well over a year since I blogged! I keep meaning to, but I also keep telling myself that I don't have anything worth saying that anyone would want to read. We really are our own worst critics, aren't we? So, I've decided to let it all hang out and let the blog take on its own life.

It's been a tough year, frankly. I've had hernia surgery - a triple! Can you believe it? Everything really went fine, but the pain was worse and lastest a LOT LONGER than expected. I have to thank God for His protection and sending me a wonderful surgeon. I'm also wrestling with back and leg issues. The good news is that I have a CPAP machine to help me breathe at night. It works really great! I also was able to secure a new bed, which is helping to deal with lymphedema in my legs and GERD. Thank You Father for Your provision!! There have been so many other blessings as well - friends who have surrounded me with practical help and prayer and encouragement in the hard times. I'm still struggling with heart arrhymias, but am working with a Naturopath to resolve them. Pray for me if you think of me. Thank you!

I've reconnected with my two brothers who live in New Orleans. One is doing really well, but one is not. I worry far too much about the latter, forgetting that God loves him too and is looking out for him. God never asked me to save anyone - He took care of that Himself and is faithful to see us all the way to heaven! Amen!

I'm finally learning to use my phone to text. Since I have an older phone, it takes some time because I don't have a keyboard to spell. Laborious, but interesting! I don't think I'll become addicted to it, but it was fun to play with today.

I am slowly learning to love my family - it took over 57 years to begin the learning, but begun it has! It can take a lifetime to unravel issues and learn to forgive real and imagined offenses, as well as accept that we are all broken in some way or another and we are all doing the best we can. I am so grateful for God's forgiveness and want to be a channel of it to everyone. Little by little He is conforming me to His image!

I hope your Thanksgiving was/is filled with many blessings and true gratitude for all that we have because of Him!

Set Up To Succeed

I am recently a fan of Victoria Stilwell's "It's Me Or The Dog," on the Animal Planet channel. I have really enjoyed watching her train both dogs and owners in each episode. She solves all kinds of behavior problems while instructing viewers about the nature of various breeds and the proper way to train your pet. Victoria doesn't believe in using punishment to train animals and primarily uses food treats to reward positive behaviors. In a recent episode I heard her say that when training your dog, you don't allow it to fail. You set it up to succeed.

A sudden realization zapped through me - that's exactly what God has done with mankind. He has set us up to succeed and not to fail! God Himself never fails. Since He has determined, from the "beginning" to redeem all of mankind, He will succeed. We cannot fail! How cool is that! How awesome is God!

God is Fundamentally Love

I just finished listening to a live interview with Paul Young, author of The Shack. He is always a blessing to listen to as he answers questions about the book and about his understanding of God. While he insists that he is not a Universalist, his theology is certainly universalistic. He actually steps outside of the labels and focuses his understanding on who God is, and His essential nature. Just recently I had a "discussion" with someone via Facebook and found myself saying somewhat of the same thing. At some point, we have to stop debating scripture and go beyond to discover the true nature of God. I believe that our questions can be summed up and answered far more easily once we embrace that journey. Paul's statement was, "God is fundamentally and essentially love, and everything He does is motivated by love." I am beginning to grasp that truth more fully. As I have wrestled with others over scriptures regarding Universalism, I have struggled to paint a whole picture with incomplete and imperfect thoughts. When I focus on who God is, the picture comes into focus too. So, with Paul, I say that God is fundamentally love and everything He does is motivated by love.

Blind Unbelief

Christians are oft accused of having "blind faith" by critics and supporters alike. Even Christians sometimes suggest that belief in God requires blind faith because there are so many unanswered questions about God. For example, we've all heard the challenge, "If God is good, why is there evil in the world?" Unanswerable questions like these prevent us from packaging God in our own little boxes. Instead, we build a theology that makes sense to us based on what we "know" about God and what we hope is true about God. We struggle to make sense of life as much as we can. After 40 years of seeking, I can say that our questions and seeking are all a part of it. God desires our trust and faith that no matter what happens, He is good and is working all things out according to His purposes. He will not let us box Him in or declare authoritatively that we know the "truth" about Him.

Recently, I read something - can't remember where or by whom - that suggested that unbelievers and atheists reject God out of "blind unbelief." A new concept for me, it made a lot of sense. We all live according to faith if you think about it. Christians have faith that there is a loving and good God who gives purpose and meaning to our lives. Unbelievers have faith that there is no God, neither good nor evil. Believing or non requires faith.

The journey of seeking God is the only way to develop an informed faith, again, either for or against. How can one dismiss God's reality without actively seeking Him? Seems to me that blind unbelief is far riskier and less satisfying than blind faith. We are only blind as long as we cannot see. Jesus said that there are none so blind as those who will not see. For me, God's presence is as obvious to me as the nose on my faith, but after 40 years, what can you expect? How about you? Have you given time to educating your faith or unbelief?

The Master Lifeguard

Today I was helping a friend with our weekly Bible study by typing up and emailing the scripture and synopsis for each day's lesson to her. On day three, the study began with the scripture in Romans 5: 6-11 "When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, no one is likely to die for a good person, though someone might be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God's sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God's judgment. For since we were restored to friendship with God by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be delivered from eternal punishment by his life. So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God - all because of what our Lord Jesus Christ has done for us in making us friends with God." NLT

I've loved this scripture for a long time because it always points to God's amazing love for us all and confirms that He is the Savior of us all. As I was typing it out today, I had a sudden insight. I don't know how God speaks to you, but oftentimes for me, it comes as a sudden revelation, like a bolt of lightening; a sudden knowing, in an instant.

I saw a lifeguard on a beach. There were people on the beach doing beach-type activities, while the lifeguard was scanning the water looking for someone in trouble. All of a sudden, someone starting flailing about, calling out for help. Like a shot the lifeguard jumped from his stand and flew to the water, jumping in head first and swimming like crazy to save the drowning person. It struck me that the lifeguard never for an instant gave a thought to the worthiness of the person drowning. Eg: Is this person a thief? Does this person lie or cheat? Are they an adulterer? Have they killed or harmed someone? Is it their own fault that they are drowning? None of that went through the lifeguard's mind - just that someone needed to be saved. The saving did not depend upon the worthiness of the one being saved, but upon the worthiness and character of the one doing the saving! I knew instantly that God was showing me, yet again, a picture of His amazing love and character. He saves us because of who He is, not because of who we are. Our salvation is more than secure because it's based upon His character and worthiness! Hallelujah! What a great God we have!!

Forgiveness

Seems like the Easter season always causes us to ponder anew the topic of forgiveness. As we approach Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter, we are reminded of all that Jesus suffered on our behalf and what He provided for us through the crucifixion and resurrection. As I have been considering all these things, my thoughts have taken a different path.

I have been thinking about the nature of forgiveness and what it really means to be forgiven and to forgive. I'm not totally sure that I have really understood how deep forgiveness really goes. For most of my Christian life (40 years), I've viewed forgiveness as the eraser on a chalkboard. Every time something is written on it, I've got to confess my sin and ask forgiveness. Then Jesus takes His eraser and wipes the board clean. Since I could never be sure that my board was wiped clean, I've lived with a constant since of guilt and recrimination. You've seen that chalkboard that, even though erased, you can still see the faint etchings or the powder left from the erasures - that's mine. The words are erased, but the chalk is still there.

I'm just starting to understand that there really is no chalkboard - only the one in my mind. The evil conscience that Paul speaks of is not a conscience that fails to advise us of our sin, but one that never lets us forget our sin, even when we have confessed it and asked forgiveness.

I'm also realizing that Jesus didn't suffer and die because God needed a sacrifice - we needed a sacrifice. We needed someone to take the heat and we needed someone to pay. God through Jesus stepped up to the plate and, in effect, said, "blame me - I'll take the heat and pay the price - you can let yourself off of the hook."

It is so easy to forgive others if we can see that Jesus did the same thing for them. If I can accept forgiveness for myself, I can extend it to those who offend me. Since I am "the chiefest of sinners," and all other sins pale in comparison to mine, I can throw out my chalkboard record for others as well.

So . . . during this reflective season I am asking God to deliver me from my evil conscience. I pray the same for you as well.

There's Just Something About That Name

As I was reading through some posts on Facebook, I came across one in which the author said, "I just love saying the name of Jesus!" As I read that, my heart was touched, and I started to wonder how long it had been since I felt that way myself. I remember the power and assurance and faith that just saying His name evoked in me. Nothing was impossible and no fear too threatening and no night too dark. There is power in His name, and how easily I have allowed myself to be burdened with the challenges of life and have forgotten that power.

I began to sing, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, there's just something about that name. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, like the fragrance after the rain. Kings and kingdoms will all pass away, but there's something about that Name." I felt His calming peace come over me again as my anxieties drained away. So simple, so easy, so peaceful. There is something about His name!

Thank You, Jesus, for being the Name above all names!

The Problem with Truth

I used to think that truth could only be truth if it were the same for everyone. And, of course, the truth I knew was the truth! In fact, a pastor once said, "In order for truth to be truth, it must be true for all people in all places at all times." When I heard those words, I thought them profound and began to repeat them in any situation that challenged what I knew to be truth. It felt comforting and further settled me into my established line of reasoning.

Then I found out that there are over 3,000 Christian sects in the world . . . all claiming to have the truth!! And that doesn't even include the Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims or any other flavor of religion!! What a shocker!!!! How could all of these people, sincere, seekers of God, wanting to follow the truth, all come up with different truths, all claiming to hear from God??

Just recently it occurred to me that God isn't showing the same truth to everyone. Wow!! What is that about? It would be sooooooo much easier on all of us if He did.

So, now what? I must follow what I know as truth until God reveals something else. Further, I must also allow that He is showing others something else as true. What a challenge that is! I'm so used to insisting that I'm right! (What an opportunity to love others!)

This is my bottom line - God is Who He says He is; He is love personified; He keeps His promises; He has a good future planned for all of us; He never fails or gives up. I could add more, but you get the idea. The rest I just have to give to Him and let Him sort it out.

By the way, I've been sprinkled and dunked, just in case!

Love

I'm a "johnny-come-lately" for some of the dramatic series that are available on TV, and one of my recent enjoyments is reruns of Grey's Anatomy. If you've not seen the program, it's your typical medical drama that seems to focus more on the personal relationships between the doctors than anything medical going on. Last night was an exception to the rule. One of the vignettes focused on a man and woman, unrelated, one black, male and older, one white, female and younger. The two had been in a train wreck and were impaled on a pole facing each other. Both were conscious and in no pain, amazingly. As the story unfolds, the doctors discover that, of the two, the male has a much better chance of survival. Once the pole is removed, the female will bleed out too quickly to save, and she is more seriously injured.

The two patients begin to interact with each other as the doctors do their assessments. They are in a hugging position in order to keep the pole from shifting and doing more harm. As the doctors tell them the bad news, both of them begin to plead for the other's life, not for their own. The female winds up comforting the man when the reality of the situation is finally accepted. She will die and he will live. Later, just before the man and woman are put under anesthesia, she leaves a message with the head surgeon to relay to her husband when he arrives. She knows that she will be gone before he gets there. The surgeon tells the husband later, "She wanted you to know that, if love were enough, she would be here with you now."

I almost sobbed through the show. I was so touched by the complete selflessness of this woman. Her concerns were for the man attached to her on the pole, and her husband. She expressed no regrets for herself, and pleaded for her fellow victim. She knew this man for minutes and hours, not days, weeks or years. She gave without thinking and thought only for the comfort of her husband and this man in front of her. What an incredible example of the love of God! Selfless love. Self-sacrificing love. Not ooey-gooey emotions - just the rubber hitting the road.

I envy that kind of love. I envy the ability to give so freely - to give all - to sacrifice even though it cost everything. I over-analyze, and worry about consequences. I think too much about the cost. Few of us will ever be called to such a sacrifice as this woman made, or that Jesus made. I'm called to love the people that are in my life and that I encounter every day in my life. I get testy at other drivers and waiting in line, or things just aren't going the way that I want them to go.

Worse, I remember those whom I've failed to love - harsh words, uncaring deeds. My mother is a constant source of regret. She was mentally ill long before I was born. Life was hard growing up, and I focused far too much on how it affected me, and not nearly enough on how it affected her. Mental illness is a terrible burden to carry. There were five of us kids, and I know that she did the best that she could. It wasn't her fault that her love wasn't enough. She died almost 20 years ago, and all I can remember now is how she suffered with the burden she carried. I didn't know much about love then, but I do now. I have been the recipient of much self-sacrificing love. I cannot undo the past or re-write it. However, I am grateful beyond grateful that she is at peace now, and she knows love now too.

Losing a Parent

A dear friend's dad passed away in October. Another friend lost her mom just this last week. Other friends have shared about their aging parents and the decline that is occurring in them. I realized that I have entered this season of life in which my friends are starting to lose their parents. My heart aches for them and there are no words to comfort someone who has just become, in a very real way, an orphan.

My parents died when I was much younger - my dad when he was 49 and my mom at 67. I never really knew them or had the opportunity to develop a significant attachment to either of them. For the most part, my friends have meaningful relationships with their parents, and I know the loss they are experiencing is profound. I can't take away their pain. I pray and ask how they are doing and offer what little comfort I can. I am still praying . . . .

Lent

So here we are in the Lenten season. I've been more interested in Fat Tuesday and Mardi Gras, frankly. When I was a kid, I lived in a suburb of New Orleans for 4 years and looked forward to the parades and time off from school. I don't like jelly donuts, so I passed on the "punchkies." I like the party and celebration part better though, and not the ashes and "what are you giving up for Lent?" Also, I've never been a part of a local church that acknowledges anything other than Good Friday and Easter, so I've never given much, or any thought really, to giving up anything for Lent.
I was at the chiropractor the other day and someone said that they needed to find something for their husband to give up for Lent. She was thinking of the typical treat or "sinful" pleasure like chocolate or beer. I asked her a little about his personality, and she freely shared. I don't think this was my idea, but I heard myself asking her, "what about giving up taking offense?" She paused, surprised, raised her eyebrows and said, "Perfect! That's what I'll do." While I questioned any possible success at getting someone else to "give up" something at all, let alone something so unconscious and automatic, I wished her well.
Interestingly, I started thinking about the subject of taking offense, and how many times I take offense at so many little things - too many to list, if you know what I mean. So . . . I thought about giving up taking offense, not just for Lent, but permanently, for life. How many people would be set free from my judgments and need for things to always go my way? How free would I be to be at peace myself and be generous in my acceptance?
Since that day, I have been noticing, and mostly choosing, to let it go. That guy in front of me didn't intentionally cut me off in traffic and the pharmacist didn't intentionally keep me waiting - you get the idea. What an eye-opener! I also discovered how many times and in how many situations I judge myself. I am most offended by me. That may sound odd, or you may identify. Jesus was no dummy when He talked about our loving others as we do ourselves. If we are loving others poorly, we are probably not doing much of a job of loving ourselves. I am most judgmental when I am least happy with me.
So what's the answer? After all my musings, I realize that there is only one - His name is Jesus. Only He can transform me. I'm trusting Him to transform me as He has promised to do. I am so grateful that I am not left to my own devices to redeem and reform myself.

Meaning

I'm currently a fan of Facebook, as many are. It's a great way to keep connected with so many with very little effort. It's also a great way to post prayer requests. Just the other day the daughter of a friend asked those who know him to continue to pray for her father, Kurt. We all used to go to church together and have since blown about like seeds in the wind to be planted in other fields. I remember Kurt's tender and gracious heart. He drew people to God through loving them and teaching about God's marvelous grace.

Kurt has struggled for some time with Crohn's and was just recently in the hospital in critical condition. He is now recovering at home and is struggling with an issue that many do who have chronic life-impacting conditions. What is the purpose of my life now? Why am I here? What am I do do now?

Anyone who has struggled with chronic illness or another life-restricting condition knows just what I I'm talking about. There are no easy answers for any of us. In the world, and yes, even the church, productivity is always the answer, so finding your way is not easy.

I have another friend stuck in a wheelchair with MS, with extremely limited use of her body. We talk about these things fairly regularly.

Finding the purpose of our lives is very personal and must be embraced by all alike, healthy or not, limited or not. I've done much soul-searching, and more God-searching, over the last few years. Sometimes I despair of a satisfying answer. Other times, I remember that my life belongs to a loving and merciful God Who has a purpose for all things, even suffering. Even lack of "productivity."

So, here it is: I've come to believe that all things, good or evil, enjoyable or not, fulfill God's plan in some way I may not understand. I don't always understand what God is doing, but I can always trust His purpose and intent toward me and toward us all. His thoughts toward us are always good and He promises that our end is good. If I look at life's circumstances for my life's meaning, I will always be standing on shifting sand. I choose, and encourage you to choose, to stand on the Rock Who will never let us falter or fail. One day all things will be restored. In the meantime, we can trust Him to lead us and guide us and to make sense of our lives. Amen!!